Music lifts me.  Whenever I feel disheveled I can usually trace it to listening to less music.  Long before I found meditation, music was a form of it for me – a way to calm my chaotic mind.  Lying in my bed with headphones and a tape player was my favorite way to relax.  Still is, just now it’s with YouTube.

When I was in the hospital this summer, music was my life preserver.  I found myself watching a lot of Jimmy Fallon’s music videos.  Perhaps it was the energy of the live performances.  I loved the acapellas, or the songs where famous musicians sing while Jimmy and The Roots play classroom instruments.

Most of time I had a roommate, but for nearly one whole day on May 18th, I had the room to myself.  I sang out loud, not caring what passersby might think.  About a month ago, I found the video I made that day.  The first time I watched it, I cried.  I mean like ugly cried.  I can’t really say why.  Maybe I was just releasing emotions I couldn’t release then for fear of drowning.  Or maybe it was just relief.  Perhaps even a bit of both.

At the time, I did it to cheer myself and it worked.  At least for a little while.  There was so much uncertainty then and a long climb back to feeling normal.  It is a miracle to have full use of my body again.  And sometimes when I jump, run, or even get up by myself – I marvel at it and then give thanks.

When I finally came home, we decided to get a wheelchair.  Right after we bought one, my aunt and uncle loaned us another which had been used by my grandma.  It was very helpful, but I was still glad to get to a point where I no longer needed them.  My aunt told me to sell it when I offered her a choice between the one she’d loaned us and the one we’d bought.  The first one sold quickly, but the second lingered.

My hubby couldn’t understand why we couldn’t get rid of it, since it was the best priced wheelchair on the used market.  I, however, had a sneaky suspicion it had not yet outlived it’s service within our house.  Since watching the video I’d begun to think I should make another one.

There’s a character from the Pixar movie The Incredibles named Edna Mode.  She delivers a line that comes to me occasionally – “I never look back darling, it distracts from the now.”  Such a good line.  So much meat to it, and so much Buddhist flavoring I lean on it from time to time.

But I wondered if in this case, maybe looking back was needed.  A way to examine the past and let it touch the present.  So the idea of remaking the video, but here in my home, with my family, was born.  But life gets busy, and the idea sat only in my head.

Finally, I resolved to do it.  December 6th was the day I’d scheduled with the Hubby and the kids for filming.  I’d gotten up early and taken a walk in Fern Forest.  As I headed home, I figured we could kinda wing it.  Maybe walk through a few rehearsals, plan the flow, and then film it.

When I got home, the Hubby told me someone was coming to get the wheelchair that very day.  It fact, they would be arriving soon.  I was surprised and pleased, feeling it was meant to be.  Hubby wanted me to forego using the wheelchair, but I was insistent and I imagine he figured it was best not to fight it.  But he was anxious the buyer would arrive soon and suggested we hurry.

We did it in three takes.  The first we just walked through to get an idea of what we were doing.  The second was better, but still we talked our way through the moves.  The whole process was quick and dirty, but the kids and I had fun anyway.  What about the Hubby? Well, let’s just say performance art is not his bag, but he humored us all the same.

So I present to you:

Then.

And Now.