I have writer’s block.  Or writer’s anxiety, or whatever this is.  A fear that I suck at this and I’m wasting all our time. I also don’t know what to share, and what not to share.

I guess this is the side of me that most don’t see.  The side that worries.  The side that wants every entry to be perfect, and is also pretty sure it won’t be.

Even though I haven’t blogged in weeks, I’ve thought about it every day.  I don’t want to walk away from this.  I’ve walked away from a lot of things.  Abandoning the effort out of fear of incompetency.  But I love this.  And I get such a kick of out finishing a post.

A friend of mine is a poet and she posted a moving poem a few days ago.  I thought it was just beautiful and told her so.  She told me she decided to post it instead of waiting for it to be perfect.  This made me laugh, as I couldn’t see any lack in her words.

She and I share this trait of waiting for perfection, though not in everything.

After Will and I got married, I wanted to have a baby.  Will said he wanted to wait for the right time, perhaps a different house or a better job.  I told him there was no such thing.  There’s never a perfect time to have a kid so we should just go for it.  He reminded me of this quote the other day, “there’s never a perfect time, so just do it.”

All you logic-based life forms out there might disagree, and now that I think about it, so do I.  There is a perfect time for everything, but maybe it’s not always when things make ‘sense.’  Maybe perfect timing is when it is.  That’s convoluted, I know.  But I’ve been wondering lately if everything unfolds the way it’s supposed to unfold.  It may seem messy, but really, it’s perfect in it’s imperfection.  Maybe sometimes we’re just too close to it to realize how things are really working out the way they’re meant to.  Maybe that’s naive, or maybe that’s wishful thinking, who knows.

Maybe even this writer’s block is what it needs to be, so I get pushed to write what I’d normally never admit to anyone.  And post what I’d typically never post.  I wrote most of this one a year and half ago, but never completed it.  It was mostly a way to vent privately to myself and I never intended to release it into the wild.

But today I as I sat here and couldn’t get my sentences to work I opened up my draft folder, mostly for shits and giggles.  There were 23 blog drafts waiting to be finished and 23 published posts.  This felt auspicious to me.  When I saw the title I opened it, read it, and figured, “perfect.  Let’s do it.”

So today I say both fuuuuuuuuck writer’s block and thanks writer’s block, for helping me clear one more out my draft box.  Seriously, it’s mighty kind of you.

And that makes 24.  The balance is tipped, best hold on to your horses.